The Weight
December 8, 2012 § 48 Comments
Sitting on the back porch, feeling the warm sun filtered through the pines. I am a stroll away from that great source of peace, the ocean. My precious dog, Sammie, is dozing at my feet. I know I’m blessed. And still.
It’s hard to describe. This feeling that keeps me away. Like a drug that leaves me numb and stalled and lost.
These past weeks I could not bear to look at the blog. Thinking of those with whom I felt a connection here, I imagined that they had left me- or worse yet, that they had come by and in my silence I had let them down. So I just stayed away.
But today, awash in the terrible sadness that I just can’t shake, I decided to stop waiting for the strength to return. To stop waiting for that moment when I might again write of peace and gratitude. Just come back in all your shakiness and doubt and then go from there, I thought.
So here I am.
only here only now 
Thank you for visiting my blog. I try to read at least one post from someone who comments on my blog, but I only comment if I am inspired. And, I am! I just adore your willingness to show up, honestly and openly. It shows a genuine ability to be vulnerable – a trait I greatly value.
We are in the season of winter, which also relates to the water element, in the Chinese system of 5 elements. It’s a time where it appears that nothing is happening above ground. However, much is happening below it. It’s a great time to go deeply within and reflect wherever it may lead you. Many blessings to you, Beth
You are such an amazing soul and I’m glad you wrote this. I love your words and honor your life. Hugs, Brenda
Brenda,
So thoughtful, again.
Blessings,
Tom
I understand and have been there too of late. It is a place we all go at times but yet our friends remain just that, friends.
Susan,
I will never, ever, doubt that you will remain my buddy in this wonderful community of writers and artists we are so lucky to be part of. You are a rock for me- and for so many others.
Thank you.
Tom
Hi Tom. It is wonderful to have you back, but no need to explain why you needed time away or if you need it again. You have many who are just happy to be here when you need us. Be well and take good care of yourself.
Laura,
I really did know that you’d be there- even after my absence. My fear was more centered around this notion of feeling guilty for dropping out- but I know that too is wrong. We ask nothing of each other but the simple caring and connection that is always there- like the close friend you may not see for years and then you’re together again and it’s like it always was.
That’s what this feels like to me. A great and precious thing.
Tom
Hello Tom,
I think that’s just part of this process of life – learning when it’s okay to “drop out” for a bit and when it’s right to re-appear. Here’s to a peaceful end to the year…and the good things and discoveries that await in the new one.
Have a great day!
There can be no mountains without valleys… Sometimes the trip is not so much fun, but the coming home makes it worthwhile… at least I think so…
Welcome back.
M.,
It’s true- the fullest experience of joy comes only with the knowledge of sadness.
Still, so glad to be back.
Thanks.
Tom
Things sometimes need to be left alone for a while. Your imprint has been made, and there are no strings attached that you need to fret over. I have been wrestling with the double-sided coin of ambition and ambivalence. I think it’s all just part of the path. All in good time.
Sharon,
Thanks for the very thoughtful message.
I do wonder about “ambition.” I believe that our best work comes only once we’ve moved past any sense of ambition. At the same time, I know that I sometimes do think about what I might write and do in a kind of “ambitious” manner.
I believe there’s no harm in dreaming about those big plans sometimes but when the time comes to write, it must come from the heart and not from any instrumental conception of the work. Writing not as a means to some end but rather as the end in itself.
As you so perfectly put it, it will all come “in good time.”
Tom
I agree–and was thinking more about my past, and how I lived and viewed goals. Contrasted to the ambivalence that now settles in as a sort of malaise…what you touched on here, that resonated with me, and many. Glad to see you again!
Thank you for sharing Tom. Your post meant so much today, maybe because I’ve also been feeling a weight, and now it kind of feels shared. I was away from blogging for three months; two months caring for my sister, and for weeks after that I just couldn’t write. A bit like trying to squeeze words out of a toothpaste tube. Inner heaviness – sometimes a lead weight – who knows why it arrives and sits on us. And then it lifts and we’re in light again, as though we’ve crept up out of a deep dark well.
Sharing your sadness is sometimes just as helpful to those around you as sharing your gratitude. Big hugs.
Jude,
You capture my feeling perfectly. But as I’ve said before, I do believe that the times of absence and numbness are essential for the fullest experience of presence and strength. Or to use your metaphor, we appreciate the glorious sunlight all the more if we get to it by climbing out of a dark well.
Aren’t we lucky to have this connection?
Tom
I can relate. One of my most uncomfortable feelings is not writing, even though ideas are percolating and I’m making notes. Looking forward to whatever you write next, whenever!
David,
Thanks so much.
I feel moved to write about the idea of all things existing in disharmony but against a background of perfect harmony. That’s what I’ll do today, I believe. I imagine that it will resonate with the ideas you write about.
Tom
There is great Love coming to you, and through you. Sometimes it’s easy to feel it. Sometimes not. Sometimes it’s easy to Allow. Sometimes not. It is always there. Perhaps you’re able to feel it a bit more as we, your friends, give back to you here, now.
J.,
I feel as though the energy is coming off the screen as I read your message. Tangible. Warm. Real.
This is a new way of being for me. The times of struggle and absence, I believe, are only signs of the depth of the change that is coming upon me.
Blessed, blessed- countless ways.
Tom
🙂 Yes.
even with that weight you write beautifully Thomas…this too shall pass /\
Annie,
Thanks so much.
I’m feeling strong, expect to post again later today. Also looking forward to visiting again your blog and the other great writers with whom I’m connected now.
Lucky me.
Tom
There is much sadness in the world right now and it is often hard to rise above it. But just as there is always sunshine above the clouds, so is there joy behind the sadness. May you find your way to that joy once again.
I believe that the experience of sadness is essential to the experience of joy. Perhaps we might someday find and hold that constant way of peace and centeredness but for now- I’m grateful for the times of struggle and sadness as they make the movement back all the more sweet and powerful.
Thank you for taking the time to leave this kind message.
Tom
Beautifully said. Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
What you wrote was powerful…I have sometimes felt like that too.
Lorraine,
I believe that each of us as writers struggle in this way. Maybe this is part of why such a network of support and love has arisen among us. Not sure. But I do know that I am grateful for your thoughtful words.
Thank you.
Tom
Hey Tom, so good to read a new post, missed you along the way, been thinking about you today. You have a great community here, along with your immense courage to share exactly how you feel. Just keep on keeping on, your light will shine again. Sending Peace Light and Love your way along with many blessings.
Namaste
Anne.
Anne,
I do feel such a strong sense of community here. Before I began, I just never imagined the depth of the connections that would arise. I don’t know how we got here but I do know that it’s a meaningful and important part of my life now.
You are a great blessing to me.
Tom
Now that’s courage (and fortitude) – to feel what you’ve been feeling and going ahead anyway.
Quit the namby pamby, and fly right!
Ocean and dog, mate! How lucky are you.
Missed you,
G
G.,
There needs to be a word bigger than “lucky” to describe my existence, you’re right.
Headed to your blog straightaway- just adding to my bounty.
Tom
A pleasure to hear from you Tom, as always. Whenever the time is right for you is good with me.
Jonathan
Jonathan,
I appreciate much your steadfast support and this connection that we have. It’s an amazing and glorious thing.
Thanks.
Tom
nice tom. once again, good to see you back. glad you have the courage to write down what the rest of us just think or feel. it’s good for me to know i’m not alone. keep it zen. dave
Dave,
Some possible waves here the past few days but my board and wetsuit are in Florida. But soon they’ll be here. Also, interested in sea kayak, many days the surf is calm and it looks like good kayaking conditions out there. Of course, just to throw myself into the waves, without any equipment is a good thing too.
Thanks for coming by.
Tom
Many are here … just like you … in the here and now …
We are not alone in all this, I agree.
Tom
We all welcome you back! You were missed. I think many, many writers and bloggers feel exactly the same way you do. I read an article recently about the 5 things that successful writers do differently, and one key is overcoming “resistance.” Not writer’s block, not laziness, not unwillingness to write–it’s something else. I wish there were some kind of easy answer.
PJ,
Thanks.
“Resistance” sounds about as close as we can get to the right word here. Not really depression, more like a barrier, or a dulling of the senses.
I appreciate your work as well- your focus on spiritual fiction is both fascinating and much needed- a neglected genre, I think. So thank you for your work.
Tom
I’m so glad you’re here. I’m listening. 🙂
Thanks for the kind message.
As I resume my reading, I will be headed to your blog for sure soon as it’s one of my favorites- such a great idea, tech for everyday folks. Brilliant.
Tom
hi there tom, thanks for coming back …. we are all here …. we dont need anything from you … just for you to know you are not ever alone … always shining in our hearts, no matter how you feel … we are with you and whatever is is ok …. thank you for feeling that terrible sadness and letting us know how it is … love, christine
Christine,
I am back to myself, ready to read and write again.
Your message is, as always, exquisite in its beautiful words and compassionate message.
The support and love here is running both ways.
Tom
yes tom, that is us, all of us, love and gratitude 🙂
Here you are. 🙂
Yes I am.
Thanks much.
Tom
And it’s good to see you back x
Diana,
So good to hear from you. Feeling the good vibes.
Thanks.
Tom