October 23, 2012 § 33 Comments
I feel the horrific rush of self-judgment. You dropped the ball again and now look where you are? Buried and lost.
And then I think- No, this is all wrong. Don’t look back. That’s done and gone. I take a breath. I feel the calm. It’s okay now, all okay.
But soon the dark feelings return. So again, I breathe. I repeat the mantra- nothing but here and now, no looking back, no judgment. Calm returns.
This pattern repeats- distress, then calm- over and over. An endless, soul-crushing loop.
The truth is that we never beat back our demons. So long as we consciously resist the negative feelings, we will never find real and enduring peace.
I cannot think my way out of my unsteadiness and self-loathing. Nor is it simply a matter of belief in some external set of principles. I could read the Tao each moment for the rest of my life and still not escape this terrible loop.
I must return to the place where I belong. I will not get there armed with a club and a conscious striving. I will not get there at all. It is not a destination or an achievement. I will just be there. I will just become who I am.
Resistance is never the way. Simply to live acceptance, love, and forgiveness is the path- the only way home.