Walking the Edge of the Cliff

May 21, 2012 § 7 Comments

If the Zen way is so right, if mindfulness is so powerful, if being centered is where I belong, and if all these posts of mine are so true, then why is it hard for me to stay on the path?  Why do I often feel as though I’m on the edge of a cliff?

I spent much of my life in my head- scheming, thinking- all the while disengaged, unsure, afraid.   In recent years, that’s changed.  Seeking to be consistently present, strong and mindful.

If you asked me if my life is better today, I’d say yes, absolutely.  If you asked me if my life feels easier, I wouldn’t know quite what to say.

I can still feel the pull of the old thoughts, all the time.  They beckon me to a familiar haunt.  Although it’s a place of anxiety and fear, they are the devils I know.  When I’m there, I can just keep moving, jumping from thought to thought, never landing, never putting my chips down.

I don’t think this pull will ever go away.  But I’ve come to see that tension as a precious thing.  A life worth living will entail struggle, always.  Yes, our aspiration is to achieve the state of centered being, held in a simple natural way, each moment of our lives.  But who actually gets there?  Who seeks this way of being and doesn’t struggle?

So my one aspiration, my one great hope, is that I will have the strength to stay on the edge of the cliff, every moment that I can.  And when I do fall away, as I have and will, I seek the strength to climb back up and start again.  Moment to moment.   Again and again.

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